Stupid Heart.

3 years ago, when I was 10 weeks pregnant with Brevin, I wound up in the ER with heart palpitations that wouldn't stop.  After an extensive workup (EKG, ultrasound of the heart, and wearing a Holter Monitor for 24 hours) it was determined there was nothing wrong with my heart, and the palpitations were chalked up to pregnancy hormones.  I dealt with them for a good month or 2 before they finally subsided, but man, they SUCKED.  Having a constant extra heart beat was unnerving.  Nothing like having a vital organ not functioning properly.  Fast forward to present day and I'm back in the same boat.  My heart palpitations started on Wednesday and have progressively gotten worse and not better.  Last time I was able to reassure myself that it was all due to the pregnancy.  Now I've got nothing.  And to make matters worse, my mom recently found out that her biological father had serious heart problems and died at age 57 from an artery in his heart exploding.  Very comforting. 

Since I still struggle with anxiety, it has been a difficult few days.  I will have various symptoms pop up and I will immediately think I'm dying.  I automatically go to worse case scenario when it comes to my health.  Now I have to fight my initial thoughts, because I know the anxiety fuels the palpitations.  The palpitations may be a direct result of my anxiety.  Who knows.  So it's really just a vicious cycle.  I have to repeat things to myself like, "You are not dying.  You are not dying..." "You have a strong and steady heartbeat..." It's super fun.  Then I become frustrated with myself because I can't just be normal.  I over think, and worry, and convince myself I am sicker than I really am.  Then it's hard for me to really gauge what is legitimately wrong with me, and what my crazy mind has tricked my body into believing it has.  

My last ER visit was due to a panic attack last spring so I'm trying to be more conservative with my future ER visits.  I've been able to control my symptoms (and panic) enough to not go in, however, I will be scheduling a doctors appointment on Monday.  For sure.  Nights are the worst for me, so I downloaded a meditation app on my phone to use while I'm falling asleep.  It helps a little.  It's really such a bummer to have my anxiety creep up again since I was just planning on weaning myself off of my medicine!  I'm a far less anxious person overall than I was 4 years ago.  I will always need my Xanax for emergency purposes, but I'd like to replace my daily medicine with exercise and meditation.  

Keep your fingers crossed these damn heart palpitations go away soon!  They are really messing with my sanity.  

Party of Four

Life is pretty wonderful as a family of 4.  The kiddos are at a great age where they are independent enough to do things on their own, but they still need their mama for lots of snuggles and kisses.  I go back and forth on wanting a 3rd child.  I feel like things are good with 2.  Isla is off to Kindergarten next month (*sob*), Brevin starts 2 year old preschool in September, and hopefully he will be potty trained soon (please, GOD).  As the kids get older, we get busier and things have been getting easier in a lot of ways.  

We had a pregnancy "scare" last month (technically Andy was the only one scared).  I was pumped!  I was 6 days late and even though the pregnancy tests said 'negative', I  felt pregnant.  Anyway, when I discovered I wasn't pregnant there was definitely some sadness but also a sense of relief on my end.  Very confusing.  Deciding to have 3 is so tough.  Going from 1 to 2 was a no brainer.  But 2 to 3 seems tricky.  Suddenly I feel like I waited too long, when previously I felt like it would have been too soon.  Seriously, the time just never felt right.  We've either been too broke, I've been too out of shape, too tired, and/or too busy.  And now as I'm getting older, it's really either now or never. 

I've decided that I will be happy either way.  I'm so blessed to have 2 beautiful, sweet, hilarious, healthy and smart children.  If I'm fortunate enough to get pregnant without actively trying, then I will know it was meant to be.  But I think we will lay off the trying, and just see what happens.  When Andy turns 35 (in February) he is officially done.  Closing up shop for good.  Having an end date is very comforting.  What is meant to be, will be!!

Oh, Hey.

What's up?

I am clearly off to a shaky blogging comeback.  I was really hoping I would feel inspired to write, but I have nothing to write about.  Life is pretty ordinary, but in a nice, easy way.  We have fallen into a routine around here but sometimes I'm starting to think things are a little too comfortable.  

Last week I bought myself a couple of nightgowns.  NIGHTGOWNS.  In my ripe old age of 32 I've decided that shorts and pants are too bunchy and uncomfortable to sleep in, sleeping naked clearly doesn't work when small children sneak into my bed every single night, and I'm up too often at night to be walking around the house in just my underwear and a shirt.  So obviously I was left with no choices.  Nightgowns are definitely not sexy, but man they are comfortable.  Other things I have found myself doing lately that really drain the sexy out of my relationship:  calling Andy "Daddy", telling him when I need to go "potty", talking in a weird Russian accent and referring to myself as Dr. Zhivago, and buying some "sexy" underwear only to immediately hate them and return to my old woman Hanes.  So yeah, a little too comfortable.  While it's nice to have a routine and be in my comfort zone, I really need to make an effort to push myself a bit more.  Try new things.  Do something spontaneous instead of being such a nerdy planner. Stop telling Andy when I need to go potty.  Stop saying the word "potty" entirely when it involves an adult using the bathroom.  But I'm totally not giving up the nightgowns.  

For Realz.

I couldn't stand seeing my beard every time I opened my blog. Anyway.  I'm giving blogging another try. Get ready. 

Oh My God...

I have a beard.

Totally a legit beard, right?!  What the hell is going on?!  I've always had some peach fuzz on my face, but I never noticed this much.  I am horrified.  Does anyone else have this much facial hair (aside from males and grizzly bears)??  I am panicking.  How long have I had this?!  Why hasn't Andy mentioned this before?!  Oh God.  I feel nauseous just thinking about where to go from here.  Shave?  Electrolysis?  Wax?

Andy claims this is normal and nothing to be concerned about.  Someone please tell me I'm not alone.  Also, someone please tell me why my husband has accepted a bearded wife as "normal".

Getting old and hairy sucks. And I'm only 31.  I could look like Santa in 3 years if I do nothing.

This is a serious problem.  HELP!

The Great House Hunt

Oh house hunting.  What can I say?  I thought I would love it, but I'm totally frustrated, annoyed, and actually a little pissed off.  It costs a FORTUNE to live in the Chicago suburbs.  Seriously.  $300,000 gets us a freaking fixer-upper in the town we love.  The farther west you go, the more house you get.  We have found a few cute houses farther west than we originally hoped.  They are both older and need some work.  One of the houses listed for $310,000 has 2 outdated bathrooms (a TEAL bathtub upstairs with matching sinks, and a yellow tub downstairs....YUCK) and a hideous kitchen.  Bathrooms and kitchens would cost a fortune!  I don't think we would be able to resell the house at a price that makes up the money we would put in.  It's seriously CRAZY.  I keep coming back to "if only we lived in Minnesota...".  Ugh.  Less expensive homes and cheaper property taxes.  In the town we love (but can't afford), some areas pay $15,000 per year in taxes!  WTF?!  Why are people okay with this?

We went and saw our 2 favorite houses again yesterday and we are still undecided.  Neither of us like doing work to homes, nor do we have any idea how to.  No one in my immediate family is skilled at this stuff either.  The last 2 homes my dad has lived in have been new constructions.  The house Andy and I currently own was a new construction when we bought it.  We are clueless when it comes to renovating, and I'd really just rather find a house that doesn't need much work.  If you are bored, check homes for sale on Zillow in Elmhurst and then you will see what we are dealing with.  

So yeah.  House hunting is currently consuming our time.  We dedicate weekends to seeing houses in person, and weeknights to our online search. What started off as an exciting past-time has turned into a dreaded chore.  We often look at houses in Batavia and Geneva and dream of moving out that way.  They remind us a lot of Woodbury and the homes are gorgeous.  Andy's commute would be well over an hour each way, so that is a major negative.  I caught Andy looking at condos in Chicago.  HAHAHAHAH!  Yes can I PLEASE live in the murder capitol of America with my 2 small children?  I love street parking and taking the bus to Target.  No elevator?  No problem.  I can easily haul my kids, stroller, and shopping bags up 3 flights of stairs. No yard for the kids to play in?  The alley is fine.  No criminals hiding back there.  He wants to live in Chicago, I want to live farther west, we both want to live in Minnesota, and we both want a new house.  We are getting nowhere.

Keep your fingers crossed we find something we both agree on.  So far that seems nearly impossible...but I'm still holding out hope.  

The post about nothing at all.

I have no idea what to write about.  There.  That makes it easier to get started.  Lately life has consisted of breaking up fights, stepping on cheerios and goldfish crackers every fifth step and wondering how the heck so many ended up on the floor, watching the Chipmunk movies over and over and over again, playing Candy Crush, picking up toys, stepping on toys, dealing with various illnesses the kiddos and I managed to get: the stomach bug, colds, ear infections, sinus infection...ahh!  All in a 3 week time span too.  FUN!  We are in a winter rut over here.  Spring, where are you?!  Thankfully, there have been many lovely moments smashed in between all of the chaos.  I plan to write about all of those soon. But it's almost 9pm and I've got bottles and sippy cups to wash, a million toys to pick up, floors that need to be swept, laundry that needs to be changed over, a lunch that needs to get packed, and a glass of wine that needs to be chugged. 

See you in another 4 months.  Just kidding.  Definitely sooner.