In the last month I've been convinced the world will be ending in 2012, been haunted by 11:11, and have talked myself into believing Illinois will be ruined by an enormous earthquake within the next 50 years or so. I can safely say my anxiety has reached an all time high.
I read a few articles online regarding the Winter Solstice in 2012. Something about the sun and the Milkyway being aligned in a way that hasn't' happen in millions (billions?) of years. Some scientists believe this alignment makes the earth susceptible to extreme solar flares, which could leave many places without power for months. Living in IL, it is cold in December. How is my family going to survive with no power, food, etc for months?! PANIC. I completely see myself and my family starving or freezing to death and I'm constantly haunted by what will happen to Isla.
A few weeks after all of this obsessive googling about the end of the world, I started seeing the time 11:11 ALL OF THE TIME. So, I googled it. Turns out, the Winter Solstice is supposed to begin at 11:11 in 2012. Coincidence?! I can't bring myself to google these things again, otherwise I'd link some of the articles I was reading in case anyone is as crazy as I am and would like a good scare.
Then, of course there was a small earthquake in northern Illinois. A place that rarely sees earthquakes. I started googling earthquakes and discovered that IL is near the second largest fault line. Awesome. The last huge earthquake was in 1812 and many scientists believe that these earthquakes will happen every 200-300 years. Well, 200 years from 1812 is 2012!!! They are talking a magnitude of 8.0 or greater. Some scientist believe there is a 25% chance will see a substantial earthquake within the next 50 years. So, if the world doesn't end in 2012...PANIC.
Add this to the fact that I can't fly anymore because I'm terribly afraid my plane will crash. I keep picturing myself on a plane that is headed toward the ground and wondering how it would feel to know I'm about to die. I also cannot travel in the car far distances without being convinced that I will be killed in a fiery car accident. When I drove from MN to IL this last time, I needed to pull over yet again and spend the night at a hotel because I couldn't continue driving in the dark anymore. I was literally having a panic attack the entire time. It is an awful feeling. Let's not forget my fear of tornadoes (and living on 5th (top) floor of our apartment) and my fear of fire. I've already figured out my escape route if necessary, but always worry that I'll be trapped in our apartment and we'll burn to death.
So that is pretty much where I am right now. I don't sleep well because my mind is filled with constant fear. I have figured out that I fear being out of control in situations, but I am mainly afraid of dying. Or the pain I will feel before I die. It's horrible to have such obsessive thoughts controlling my life. It's also horrible not having family understand what I'm going through. Instead of any type of help I'm told "That's not going to happen." Or "Well if we're going to die, we will die." Not helpful. No one really understands what it is like to be like this!
I have struggled with anxiety/obsessive thoughts/extreme worry for years but I can usually handle it on my own. It comes and goes...generally with big events. Pregnancy brought on the latest round and then moving to IL made it worse. I'm sane enough to realize the problem and understand what I am afraid of, although I am unable to take control of this horrible problem. That is where therapy comes in. I am at the point where I cannot live like this anymore and I obviously need some professional help. I never pictured myself revealing all of my fears and problems to a stranger, but from what I can tell about this lady, she seems very nice. I'm looking forward to getting my life back under control so I can actually enjoy things again.
7 years ago
6 comments:
Wow Bets, I had no idea that this had gotten so bad. I know we've joked around before about your obsessive worrying, so I'm sorry I never took it seriously. Clearly these are real fears for you. I hope Therapy helps.
Having just had a baby myself, it makes sense that it has gotten so much worse for you after having Isla, being responsible for the well being of another human being makes you that much more aware of the dangers around you. Every time I hear a news story about terrible things happening to little children, I imagine that child is Gus, and get really emotional.
We just started him off on some solids this week, and I wanted to do Baby Led Weaning, which (look it up) forgoes the spoon-fed pureed baby food and goes right to finger foods, allowing the baby to feed himself. I am totally behind the fundamentals of it, but now that we're doing it, I can't help but panic that he is going to choke every time he's eating. We gave him asparagus the other day, and he stuck it down his throat and gagged and vomitted up a bunch of milk. If you read about BLW, gagging is actually expected and it's the baby's natural way of preventing choking, and not at all a bad thing, but I am so freaked out about him choking. So last night when we gave him a big chunk of broccoli, I was hovering like a crazy woman, my heart nearly beating outside my chest. So yea, I think I might be making some baby food this weekend, and waiting to start with BLW until he's a bit older.
Anyway, sorry about the rambling.
Betsy I am so sorry that these fears have taken over so much, maybe talking with a therapist and her not telling you that these things won't happen will help. Don't worry you will get your life back under control and then you can enjoy watching your daughter growing up without all the fears. If you ever need someone to talk to you know my number.
PS - the word verification for this comment was TORIE (just thought I would add that)!
Oh Bets! I'm glad you are able to step back from your fears to see that you might need to talk about your feelings with someone! I wish everyone had that ability. I hope everything goes well because living with stress is no fun at all!
Thanks for posting...I miss you!
Betsy I think you are one of the bravest people I know, even moreso now that you have shared this with everyone and had the courage to get help. I wish I had the courage to do that! I'll be thinking about you buddy.
I just wrote this super long response and then couldn't remember my account (not surprising since it has been so long). Anyway, the gist of it was that I am so sorry that we have joked about those fears and they are actually affecting your daily life. I just thought you were being silly Bets. Good luck with therapy!
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