Miserable.

I am seriously miserable.  I feel guilty saying that considering growing a child is such an incredible blessing, but physically I'm a mess.  Things have not gotten better since my last post.  Now I'm currently dealing with posterior pelvic pain in my left pelvic joint causing terrible pain anytime I walk or put pressure on my left leg.  I've been seeing the chiropractor, doing my stretches, and taking it easy as much as possible, but having 2 little kids at home means I can never really stay off of my feet for long.  On top of that, my plantar fasciitis has flared up again on my left foot causing intense heel pain every time I walk.  It is so incredibly frustrating to have limited mobility and a million things that need to get done.  Andy and I have already discussed possibly hiring a babysitter part time to help with the kiddos.  I can barely keep up with the chores around the house, since going up the stairs is a challenge.  Even carrying a basket of laundry is tricky.  I'm hoping the pain will magically go away with continued chiropractic care and stretching.  Fingers crossed!!

I had such high hopes for May and June:  trips to the arboretum that is literally 3 minutes away, afternoons at the zoo, exploring new parks... I wanted to give the kiddos an extra fun spring considering July and August outings might be slightly limited.  Plus, we are strongly considering enrolling Isla in school for first grade, so I wanted to take advantage of all of our time together!  Ugh. So yeah, if you need me I'll be feeling sorry for myself on the couch.  

Pregnancy Recap

Each of my pregnancies have gotten progressively worse, and I'm already at the point where I'm pretty fed up with how my body is dealing with growing a human.  I'm older, fatter, and just completely out of shape.  So obviously my body is rebelling against me.  I'm trying to just roll with the punches and embrace my last pregnancy though.  So as miserable as I am most days, I power through and remind myself how blessed I am to be carrying another baby.

Let's take a walk down memory lane and revisit my pregnancies.

Pregnancy #1:

27 years old, pregnancy glow, my only complaint was exhaustion.  No morning sickness or random pregnancy ailments.  Still cared about my appearance.  Life was good.  

Pregnancy #2:  

29 years old, complete and total exhaustion due to a certain 1.5 year old who refused to nap, no pregnancy glow, Wore regular clothes on occasion, but generally gave up on looking nice most days.  No weird pregnancy ailments, morning sickness, etc.  

Pregnancy #3:

33 years old, exhausted, recently developed acid reflux, perioral dermatitis, and pubic symphysitis all in a week and a half time span (a new record?), no pregnancy glow (just the red irritated skin slowly growing around my mouth like a goatee).  The pubic symphysitis is literally making my crotch feel like it's going to explode.  The pain from walking at the end of the day is almost unbearable.  My tilted pelvis has caused some major back pain (and a terrifying fear about delivering another baby who presents with shoulder dystocia).  I rarely wear "regular" clothes and settle for my mom uniform the majority of the time.  I get very little sleep due my children becoming terrible sleepers.  So yeah.  It's been interesting.  

So attractive and itchy!  It's really helping me feel better about
this pregnancy and life in general.  

The one thing that all of my pregnancies have had in common is the freakishly large belly.  I always look WAY more pregnant than I am.  All of these pictures were taken at 28 weeks.  I've contemplated telling strangers I'm due in May so I don't have to deal with the awkward comments regarding how enormous I am.

Only 12 more weeks until I meet this munchkin!  She's totally worth the burning esophagus, itchy face, and intense crotch pain.

Our Classroom!

Isla decided our  classroom needed a sign.  I can honestly say she still loves homeschool even though sometimes I feel like a major failure.  

I finally got my teaching stuff organized.  That was a huge project to say the least.  Now that I'm a little more organized, it's making lesson planning easier.  

Our library/train area.  We literally have no other place for the train table, but I've found it's actually helpful to have in the room.  It usually keeps Brevin entertained for a solid 10 minutes.  Ha!  It's seriously so hard finding things to keep him busy and/or learning while Isla is working.  It's definitely my biggest challenge. 

The cleanest our room has ever been! :)  Our large dry erase board still isn't hanging yet, but otherwise everything is in place.  

The closet is where I keep all of our other toys and books.  I rotate toys a couple times a month!  When my kids have access to all of their toys, they literally just make messes and rarely enjoy what they have.  When I keep a limited amount of toys out, they actually PLAY with them.  I rotate books for the same reason.  It's nice when a story is "new" again.  

An exciting sneak peek into the closest.  

The final part of the room...our dress up corner and art wall.  We obviously have no projects displayed on the wall right now, but that's where they will go!

This is one of my favorite rooms in the house.  I love having a classroom, but it's hard feeling so confined to one space.  This room is tucked away at the end of the hallyway in our lower level.  We spend the majority of time on our first floor though. If this room was upstairs, it would be perfect. Next year I may transition the classroom back to a playroom and do most of the teaching upstairs at the dining room table.  A classroom is great, but not completely necessary.  I still love it though!

More Mold, Less Patience

I never blogged about all of the problems we've encountered since we bought this house.  And I never in my wildest dreams would have expected to pump so much money into this house the first year and a half of owning it.  It was built in 1968 so it's not like it's crumbling or anything...it's just a piece of sh*t.  Let me recap what we've had to do since we've moved in (not including painting the entire house and replacing the carpet which ended up being way more money than we expected too).

-We replaced 80% of the windows since they started molding and rotting during the extreme cold last winter.

-Fixed leak in kitchen that resulted in "raining" in the laundry room Christmas Eve morning.

-Gutted the hallway bathroom due to a moldy air jet tub.

-Mold removal in the attic.

-Knocked all of the walls down in the master bedroom due to a smell caused by water getting in the attic (again from the extreme cold winter).

- Spent over $2000 in landscaping services...mainly yard cleanup and weed removal since the previous owners didn't maintain the yard AT ALL.

-Dealt with the laundry room drain flooding several times before finding a plumber that could identify the issue.

-Dealt with water in our lower level air ducts due to improper yard drainage (this issue still needs a permanent fix).

I'm feel like I'm forgetting something, but you get the idea.  Our home inspector only found minor issues with our house when we bought it.  We knew eventually the windows would need to be replaced, but we weren't planning on doing it right after we moved in.  This house was on the high end of our budget, and we bought it thinking we wouldn't have to do much right away.  That, obviously, couldn't have been further from the truth.  The amount of money we have put into the house is disgusting.  I love our house, but at the same time I hate it.  The floors are slanted in many areas and I really wish we would have a structural engineer inspect the house before we bought it.  Now every time I walk over humps and down little slopes I get so pissed off.  Nothing like having a daily reminder that we bought a crappy house.

Anyway, because a lot of our issues were a direct result from the extreme cold last year, we filed a claim with insurance and had USAA come out and do a full inspection.  They gave us very little money, and told us that everything looked fine and after replacing the windows we would be ok.  Fast forward to present day, and we are in the same situation again.  This time, the mold and terrible smell is coming from the nursery.  USAA has been dragging their feet.  It's been 3 weeks since the damage from the below zero temps and they have yet to get someone out here.  Not only were the walls in the nursery growing mold, the exterior wall is literally bowed.  We know that it happened as a result of an ice dam forming on the roof in that area.  The water got under the roof and into the attic and dripped behind the walls. The siding in the same area is bulging outside.  So we pretty much know we will have to add insulation to the attic...but I don't know what we will have to do with the wall and siding.  UGH.  The stress of dealing with this crap is overwhelming and I'm losing my patience.  Paying a mortgage with one income is tricky enough, but add all of these extra expenses and things have gotten real tight.  Now add a baby to the mix and new repairs that could have been avoided if the inspector from USAA actually did his job thoroughly last year....Ugh. So stressful. And the fact that Brevin is extremely allergic to mold and the insurance company is taking their sweet ass time really gets me mad.

If you look closely, you can see the wall curve near the top.  

On the bad days, I need to remind myself how blessed we are to have a house.  The kids love it here, and it's far nicer than what Andy and I grew up in.  We have 5 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms, plenty of living space, a huge yard, and we are located in a quiet, safe subdivision.  But seriously.  I cannot take much more of this.  I can't wait to move, but after all of the money we put into this house, I don't think we will ever be able to afford to!

Selectively Mute

Brevin's pediatrician was the first to mention the term Selectively Mute when discussing Brevin's extreme shyness.  Brevin would never talk to his doctor, or even look her in the eye.  You can tell he gets so nervous the minute she walks into the room.  Amazingly, he is the most cooperative little patient though.  He does everything she asks him to.  He even gets his shots without crying.  So we knew his lack of talking wasn't him being defiant.  It was very clear he was nervous.  When I volunteered in Brevin's classroom for the first time in December, my heart nearly broke.  It was then when I discovered the full extent of his anxiety.  Most days he didn't want to go to school, but when I picked him up he always said, "I had a GREAT day!"  His teachers told me he was shy, but I just didn't expect it to be as bad as it was.  

I was helping students outside of the classroom, so I was constantly going in and out to get different kiddos.  For the first hour (no joke) Brevin was at the coloring table, sitting alone, coloring a picture very slowly and carefully.  It was almost like he knew he needed to work slowly so he could stay safe at his table.   A while later when I came back in, Brevin's teacher was encouraging him to go choose a different activity.  Brevin hesitantly got up from the table and walked to the middle of the room and just stood there.  He was one of the oldest in the 2 year old classroom.  The majority of the students were still 2 and still in diapers.  It was most certainly complete chaos in the classroom...kids running all over the place, toys were covering the majority of the classroom floor... I could tell it was very overwhelming for him.  Another teacher quickly escorted him to the water table.  When I came back into the room, his teacher was ushering him over to the Magnatiles table.  If Brevin's teachers hadn't suggested a new activity for him, he would have just stood there.  The look of nervousness on his face just broke my heart.  I was almost in tears several times that day.  He communicated only by shaking his head yes or no to his teachers, and never spoke to another child.  

The following day Brevin pooped his pants in class...but somehow the teachers never realized it.  When I picked him up he looked sad and immediately apologized for having an accident.  My poor little man was too scared to tell his teachers he needed to use the bathroom (the bathroom is down the hall, not in the classroom which is very inconvenient for little kiddos, especially those who are potty training!).  It was at that very moment I decided I needed to pull Brevin out of school.  I couldnt' let him stay in an environment where he didn't feel comfortable speaking at all.  I was so worried he would get hurt or feel sick, and be too scared to say anything. 

Now I was really considering Select Mutism as a possibility, but I first started with a speech eval because he is somewhat difficult to understand.  I thought maybe he wasn't confident in speaking because often he isn't understood.  Fortunately, he tested slightly above average in both expressive and receptive speech!  Yay!  But that's exactly when he speech therapist brought up the fact that she thought he is selectively mute.  She told me she could just feel his anxiety and that at times she could tell he knew the right answer, but he was too nervous to actually say it.  

So as of now Brevin is currently in speech therapy for a few minor speech issues, but we are in the middle of finding a therapist to work with Brevin on his anxiety issues.  I'm so thankful we caught this early.  There is a huge difference between being shy and reserved and being so anxious and nervous in a social situation that you literally can't speak.  Looking back on my childhood, I'm pretty sure I could have been diagnosed as Selectively Mute as well.  I never talked to my teachers in early elementary school, and as I got older, I needed to rehearse what I was going to say to my teachers several times before actually going up and talking to them.  I still remember how anxious I felt having to do that.  I lacked relationships with my peers because I literally didn't know what to say to them.  I wanted desperately to have friends, but I couldn't get passed the fear of talking to them.  While I slowly outgrew the paralyzing fear, I still got nervous in class even through high school.  I would know the answer, and want to raise my hand, but I just couldn't do it.  I was the last one picked for groups, and I often didn't have a partner for classwork during freshman and sophomore year.  As an adult I struggle with social anxiety and probably always will be a bit of a social weirdo in situations where I don't know anyone.  Thankfully, I'm able to put myself out there and attempt to talk to others, but it took a really long time to get here.  I don't want the same childhood experience for Brevin.  I feel terrible that he has inherited my anxiety.  I'm hoping by catching this early and getting him the therapy he needs, he will be much more confident in speaking up for himself.  No one deserves a childhood filled with fear and anxiety...especially my favorite little man!

My sweetness!

I love him to the moon and back! 

Homeschool Part 1

Gosh.  I've wanted to write about homeschooling for so long, but it just seemed so overwhelming! Anyway, since we are a couple months into our homeschool adventure, I figured I would give it a try.

Seriously, WHY??  That is the question I got all of the time as I was preparing to pull Isla out of school.  I really just felt like sending Isla to Kinderarten was comparable to sending her to a daycare. She was in the top reading group, almost meeting her first grade reading goal by Thanksgiving.  There was ZERO differentiation during math time and the class was very moving very slowly through the math cirriculum.  I mean, printing numbers in Kindergarten?!  Ugh.  I know not every child gets a preschool experience, but I just assumed that is something kids came into school knowing.  Counting items?  Again, what?!  They were spending weeks on this.  Isla was constantly complaining of being bored and wondering why they were doing baby work.  It's very frustrating when you know your child wants to learn more, but isn't getting her needs met.  I figured pulling her out certainly couldn't hurt!  I was already working with her during the week on math and reading (at Isla's request), so why not just extend the length of time we worked together??

This sounds like a terrible idea.  She needs socialization!  Oh God.  I seriously want to throw up anytime someone uses that as an excuse against homeschooling.  Yes, socialization is important.  But think about it.  In the real world, you are never going to be surrounded entirely by people your own age.  The classroom is not really setting our kids up for the real world.  I want my kids out in the world exploring.  Working with homeschooling groups with kiddos of all ages.  I want them in the community, volunteering their time and experiencing firsthand what exactly the real world is!  There is only so much you can learn within the walls of your classroom.  Now, being a former teacher, I'm in no way trying to bash teaching and traditional schools...I just don't think they are a good fit for everyone.  Anyway, so while we haven't joined a homeschool group yet, Isla is in dance classes on Monday and Saturday, in a gym glass on Wednesday, we attend open gym on Fridays, and we have a play date usually once a week, if not more.  BUT I'm honestly still worried about Isla developing friendships.  She has friends that we see often, but she hasn't made any new friends in any of the classes she takes.  She does interact with everyone and seems very happy though.  Maybe that is normal for this age?  I don't know.  I have to keep reminding myself that even surrounded by 20 kids in a classroom, you can still feel lonely and make no connections with others.  School doesn't directly teach kids how to socialize.  I didn't make any actual friends until 6th grade, and those friends dumped me by 7th grade anyway.  It wasn't until sophomore year that I actually developed meaningful relationships with friends, and I turned out just fine.  But I know exactly how it feels to be alone while surrounded by so many people.  School never taught me how to socialize, and my anxiety became worse and worse as the years went on, mainly because I hated not knowing how to make friends and I hated always feeling left out.  So just because your child is in school, doesn't mean they are becoming well socialized.

Anyway, so while we certainly aren't isolated here by any means, I worry about Isla connecting with other kids.  I also worry a lot about Brevin.  His pediatrician and speech therapist are both pretty sure he is selectively mute (we are in the process of finding a therapist for an eval).  Homeschool can be both a pro and a con for him.  He is much more confident when he is with Isla, however, if he never leaves his comfort zone, how will he grow?!  It stresses me out thinking about it.


Are you crazy?!  You will never escape your kids!  Ha!  Yes!  I think you sort of have to be a bit insane to decide to homeschool :)  I have no "me" time anymore.  The house gets trashed 10 times as fast as it used to because the kids are ALWAYS home.  I will admit it definitely gets frustrating, but I constantly remind myself how blessed I am to have the opportunity to stay at home with my kids and spend so much time with them!  My homeschooling vision includes teaching my kids real life school (that I would first need to teach myself) such as cooking, gardening, sewing etc.  Sometimes I think school focuses on a lot of things that you really don't NEED to know in the long run. I am hoping that homeschooling my kids will allow them to learn a wider variety of skills, including all of the useful life skills that I wish someone would have taught me!! :)

Currently I'm all over the place with my thoughts on homeschooling.  It's a love/hate relationship.  I love having my kids home with me and being in control of what they learn.  But it's so freaking hard and time consuming.  I feel like I"m half-assing it most days, and I feel like I can barely keep my head above water.  I struggle with the lack of connections my kids are making, however it's partly my fault because I haven't done much research on finding a homeschool group to join.  I love that we have the freedom to plan our days without worrying about traditional school hours. If we miss a day, we can make up the time.  Isla loves homeschool and wants to continue it next year.  My friend Jeannie will be homeschooling her kiddos next fall (her kids are the same ages as mine) so I think having the support of another homeschooling mom will make things easier for me.  However, having an infant at the start of the next school year will be challenging.  I feel like something is holding me back from going full force with homeschooling, but I can't really figure it out.  I'm sure it has something to do with the possibility that I could be ruining my child's education and opportunity to be "normal", but maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones ;)

So as of now, next year is really up in the air.  I've been researching the Catholic and Montessori schools in the area, but financially that would be really tricky to swing.  There are talks about opening an Albert Einstein Academy Charter school in Dupage County, and the current plan is a 2016 start date.  If this happens, I will strongly consider going that route.  I wouldn't be opposed sending her back to public school either.  After all, it is right down the street and that's the reason we bought this house in the first place!  I will have to see how the rest of this year plays out before I make up my mind.

I will post more soon about our schedule, curriculum, and homeschool classroom!

Baby #3

I am so freaking excited to be having another GIRL!!!  I was totally convinced I was having a boy so I really wouldn't even let the possibility of a girl sneak into my thoughts.  When the ultrasound tech said girl, I immediately got teary and excited, because I LOVE girl stuff!!  I also love having 1 little man all to myself.  Brevin is most definitely a mama's boy and he has stolen my heart.  I love having him as my one and only.  He plans on marrying me when he gets older, and I really couldn't handle 2 little boys fighting over me! ;)  Plus I am thrilled to be giving Isla a sister.  I swear there is no better gift!  I couldn't imagine my life without my sister, and even though Isla and Layla will be almost 6 years apart, I'm hoping they will be as close as my sister and I are one day.  

Layla our missing link.  Our closure.  I didn't feel complete as a family of 4.  Andy did though, which was a little tricky to navigate around.  Thankfully I got him to agree to try for a 3rd child until his 35th birthday (February 13th).  Once he turned 35 he wanted to close up shop.  I enjoy challenges and hate losing, so I took this baby making challenge very seriously.  I had 7 months to get pregnant, and it ended up happening on our 2nd try.  It took 3 months of trying for Isla and Brevin, so I was worried it wouldn't be so easy this time around!  I definitely got lucky.  This last pregnancy has been bittersweet.  I'm trying my best to cherish every moment.  I'm worried one day I will forget how amazing it feels to be growing a sweet baby inside of me. 

Only 18 more weeks until we get to meet our sweet girl!